Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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