There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
