Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
