I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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