I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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