Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I want a musical about memes.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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