Where is the hickey?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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