News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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