Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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