My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
