I puked a lego.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
