Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
