i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
