I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
