I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
