ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
