omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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