i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
