Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
