every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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