I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
