6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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