guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
