remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
