K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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