ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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