I feel great
I just peed on a car
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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