I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
