Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
