He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
