I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
