If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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