My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
