If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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