You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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