In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
