Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
