I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I faked an abortion last night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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