all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
