my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
