I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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