Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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