The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
