the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
