Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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