I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
