Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
