we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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