Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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