You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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