At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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