i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
