last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
