My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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