my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We smell like vodka and hangover
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