omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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