There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
