The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
