Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
