The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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