if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
