and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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